Once upon a time there was a
pair of wrinkly pants worn by the most fabulous boy ever in the world.
Unfortunately the most fabulous boy died in a tragic heat wave from dehydration
in the middle of NYC. The wrinkly pants were very sad. Not only had the pants
lost their status as being worn by the most fabulous boy, but now they were
given to the Salvation Army. The fabulousness would be lost. Used clothes?
Never.
One fine day a middle-aged,
tacky hoodlum popped into the Salvation Army looking for some U.S. Army garb to
wear to work. His occupation was “Homeless Veteran In Need of a Cup of Coffee or
work”
or so reads his piece of card board. Lewis was his name, and he had no game.
Lewis was having no luck finding an entire US Army uniform, but he did find a
nice pair of wrinkled pants. They looked so fresh! And they were just wrinkled enough for his
job. He didn't have $5, but he did have a certain set of bargaining skills. He
got them for $2. PRAISE JESUS.
The wrinkly pants were NOT
having it! What was this? Had they done something wrong? Had he somehow not
paid his karma? And then it hit the wrinkly pants: this was the pair’s time to
shine, to take a literal bum and make him something of worth! Challenge
accepted.
On his first day of “work”
with his new wrinkly pants, Lewis was not making ANY money. No one truly
believed he needed a cup of coffee. And honestly Lewis was feeling a little
more professional and a little less needy. He was even starting to feel strong
and able- like he could be of use. It was at this very moment Lewis threw away
his sign and went job hunting.
The wrinkled pants were
feeling great! Here they were changing someone’s life for the first time and
the pants were loving it. Lewis was now a sales associate at Urban Outfitters
making his own money. He fit in so well, and was even promoted to sales lead
for the holiday! But honestly the pants were getting bored. They hadn’t been
washed in weeks, they were losing shape, and even worse they were wearing out
around the ankles. Charity season was over! Lewis had to go. BUH BYE, Lewis.
Lewis was working diligently
and folding tee-shirts like most days. Today, however, was not like most days;
for one the district manager Jillian was popping in for a visit, and Lewis was
up for a promotion if all went well. He was nervous, excited, and very hopeful
for a decent future. He even came in two hours early to make sure every item of
clothing and retail was in place. He felt like a soccer mom going on a family
vacation.
Unfortunately for Lewis, he
was too busy worrying about his meeting with his Jillian to pay much attention
to his pants. The wrinkly pants were plotting to destroy Lewis. It was time for
him to get a new pair of pants to abuse. As Lewis did a walk-through with
Jillian, the pants started to slacken, and he was beginning to feel exposed but
didn’t want to look down and draw attention to what he feared to be the
problem. But sure enough he eventually got to point where he could no longer
walk right. The wrinkled pants were now wrinkled below his knees. Without breaking
eye-contact with Jillian (who was pretending none of this was happening out of
second-hand embarrassment), Lewis quickly pulled up his pants. He realized he couldn't let go of them without them falling, and the wrinkled pants had a
broken zipper. At this point Jillian no
longer had the patience to pretend there wasn’t a wardrobe malfunction. She
suggested he try a pair of Urban’s pants.
Lewis was now a wreck. He shucked the old wrinkly pair of pants and bought a
pair of Urban Outfitter’s pants; the new pants did nothing for him. The fit was
too tight in his old legs, and too loose around the waist. He didn't like these
pants at all. And worst of all he did NOT feel professional. He had had enough!
This wasn't the life he wanted! To be folding clothes all day, telling kids
what to do, dealing with people who sucked at life? DONE! Lewis came out of the
dressing room and walked straight passed Jillian with not so much as a goodbye!
He threw the wrinkly pants away, poured some old liquor on top and lit those
pants on fire! Lewis wasn’t going to wear some stupid pants from Urban Outfitters!
And he wasn’t wearing old, broken-zipper wrinkly pants either! NO MORE PANTS!
They screwed with his emotions and made him think he was something he’s not!
As the wrinkly pants burned
in that old wire trash can, the pair of pants thought maybe he should have just
stopped being pants when the most fabulous boy died.
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