Wrinkly Pants: a Short Story

Once upon a time there was a pair of wrinkly pants worn by the most fabulous boy ever in the world. Unfortunately the most fabulous boy died in a tragic heat wave from dehydration in the middle of NYC. The wrinkly pants were very sad. Not only had the pants lost their status as being worn by the most fabulous boy, but now they were given to the Salvation Army. The fabulousness would be lost. Used clothes? Never.

One fine day a middle-aged, tacky hoodlum popped into the Salvation Army looking for some U.S. Army garb to wear to work. His occupation was “Homeless Veteran In Need of a Cup of Coffee or work” or so reads his piece of card board. Lewis was his name, and he had no game. Lewis was having no luck finding an entire US Army uniform, but he did find a nice pair of wrinkled pants. They looked so fresh!  And they were just wrinkled enough for his job. He didn't have $5, but he did have a certain set of bargaining skills. He got them for $2. PRAISE JESUS.

The wrinkly pants were NOT having it! What was this? Had they done something wrong? Had he somehow not paid his karma? And then it hit the wrinkly pants: this was the pair’s time to shine, to take a literal bum and make him something of worth! Challenge accepted.

On his first day of “work” with his new wrinkly pants, Lewis was not making ANY money. No one truly believed he needed a cup of coffee. And honestly Lewis was feeling a little more professional and a little less needy. He was even starting to feel strong and able- like he could be of use. It was at this very moment Lewis threw away his sign and went job hunting.

The wrinkled pants were feeling great! Here they were changing someone’s life for the first time and the pants were loving it. Lewis was now a sales associate at Urban Outfitters making his own money. He fit in so well, and was even promoted to sales lead for the holiday! But honestly the pants were getting bored. They hadn’t been washed in weeks, they were losing shape, and even worse they were wearing out around the ankles. Charity season was over! Lewis had to go. BUH BYE, Lewis.

Lewis was working diligently and folding tee-shirts like most days. Today, however, was not like most days; for one the district manager Jillian was popping in for a visit, and Lewis was up for a promotion if all went well. He was nervous, excited, and very hopeful for a decent future. He even came in two hours early to make sure every item of clothing and retail was in place. He felt like a soccer mom going on a family vacation.

Unfortunately for Lewis, he was too busy worrying about his meeting with his Jillian to pay much attention to his pants. The wrinkly pants were plotting to destroy Lewis. It was time for him to get a new pair of pants to abuse. As Lewis did a walk-through with Jillian, the pants started to slacken, and he was beginning to feel exposed but didn’t want to look down and draw attention to what he feared to be the problem. But sure enough he eventually got to point where he could no longer walk right. The wrinkled pants were now wrinkled below his knees. Without breaking eye-contact with Jillian (who was pretending none of this was happening out of second-hand embarrassment), Lewis quickly pulled up his pants. He realized he couldn't let go of them without them falling, and the wrinkled pants had a broken zipper.  At this point Jillian no longer had the patience to pretend there wasn’t a wardrobe malfunction. She suggested he try a pair of Urban’s pants. Lewis was now a wreck. He shucked the old wrinkly pair of pants and bought a pair of Urban Outfitter’s pants; the new pants did nothing for him. The fit was too tight in his old legs, and too loose around the waist. He didn't like these pants at all. And worst of all he did NOT feel professional. He had had enough! This wasn't the life he wanted! To be folding clothes all day, telling kids what to do, dealing with people who sucked at life? DONE! Lewis came out of the dressing room and walked straight passed Jillian with not so much as a goodbye! He threw the wrinkly pants away, poured some old liquor on top and lit those pants on fire! Lewis wasn’t going to wear some stupid pants from Urban Outfitters! And he wasn’t wearing old, broken-zipper wrinkly pants either! NO MORE PANTS! They screwed with his emotions and made him think he was something he’s not!

As the wrinkly pants burned in that old wire trash can, the pair of pants thought maybe he should have just stopped being pants when the most fabulous boy died.